One January Night

Me: Ok Universe, I need someone or something to talk to. To work through some things.   Frankly I don’t want to deal with labels, judgement, etc., etc. that might come with human therapy. So, will you be my therapist? Therapist – for want of a better word really. Perhaps, confidant. It is my hopes that you will bring ALL THAT IS to our conversations as well as that wider perspective.
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When can we meet? What is the charge?
 
Universe: Ok, anytime. We have actually started already.
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Charge? All I ask is that you live fully. Don’t argue. You can question but don’t argue. The ego will want to push back but you must be courageous enough to release it. To live without it.
 
Do we have an agreement?
 
Me: I guess so. I’m the one who asked so the time must be right. I mean, YES!
 
Universe: Ok. Lay it all out for me. All of it. However long it takes. And be honest. Fully and unapologetically honest. Then we can break things down piece by piece. But first let’s get it all out on paper.
 
Me: Alright then, here goes. I will just start writing. 

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Entry 1

Me: I feel a lack of self. Perhaps just the time of year but I don’t feel full. I don’t feel like I am accomplishing enough. Partly in comparison to others and partly insofar as my own judgement. To fill that space of lack I come up with ideas and feel the need to organize. I try to minimize the stuff in my surroundings. Less stuff outside – less stuff inside. I judge myself against others. Comparing myself when another has been offered an opportunity instead of being happy for them. Why don’t I have this? I should be doing that? So many others seem to have it all figured out. I don’t really even feel I have a ‘purpose’ these days.  At 61 I think I should have it all together. Yet, at the same time I understand my point of view is different than many.
 
Universe: Good question. Shall I comment on that now or save it and let you keep putting pen to paper and getting it all out. We can come back to any part of this you want to.
 
Me: Ok, moving on then. Ideas. I have so so many. My process has always been to hold an idea for a while in a metaphorical box. If it stays with me and keeps coming to mind or heart then I pursue it further. If not, it is released to travel where and to whom it needs to find next.
 
I get a project going from said idea, but I don’t feel I finish many. That feels like a life long pattern. Lots of creative ideas but not a lot come to fruition. Therefore, there is a feeling of failure as I can’t or don’t see them through. Like I am not good enough, smart enough, brave enough, etc. Feels like it goes back to comparison. Feels also like I have lots in the idea bank – some even more fully completed than just ideas but just sitting there.  When I sit with it, I just don’t feel it in my heart to pursue them further. Is it because I am not supposed to be doing them or fear that is holding me back? Perhaps something else that I am to be doing. Which all leads to lack of making a living. I can only live on savings for so long. What am I to be doing? What about my vision? Ties into how I wish to live? I want to move and live with horses. How do I do that? I know, a lot of it is how I live and how I feel. The energy I bring to each moment. I feel like the metaphorical box is full at the moment. Not a lot of room to roam free.
 
Universe: How does it feel to write that all down and get it out?
 
Me: Ok, I guess. It’s a start. I still feel that there is a lot more to pour out.
 
Universe: Ok, so keep going.
~*~

Entry - June 16 2024
​(Yes, June, the date I decided to share.)

Me: I started typing out this dialogue today. It felt odd to read it back over and put it into typed form. What was important to me in a past moment seems insignificant now. Some of it is ‘too personal’ to share or it feels that way at least. I will keep typing and see if it takes some kind of shareable shape.
 
Universe: That seems like a good plan.
 
Me: Do you think our conversations have value for humanity?
 
Universe: Yes, some. And some have value only for you in that moment. This is a different moment now. That is what living in the present feels like.  Never put less worth on your historical words. They were important in that moment. Some to be shared and some to be held only in your heart.
 
Me: Good point. I will continue on then.
~*~

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Entry - January 25 2024

Me: I guess we live in a world where we share everything. We are supposed to inspire others by sharing.  That should be our goal in life. An expectation. Funny thing expectations. There are the ones I have from myself and the one’s that are programmed into me by society, etc. Perhaps internal and external. At my age, how do I release all of that? How do I make a lifestyle change? Still me but actually more me. I feel like I should be making lists of all of my accomplishments. But those are all loaded words that hold a lot of weight. Expectations, accomplishments, goals, etc. All wandering in the space of judgement and failure. Is there another way to look at these? Or approach them? Or release them?
 
Did my father have them? Or did he simply do what made him happy and those around him happy? Did my mother have goals and extrinsic expectations?  Perhaps they lived a life with less weight in it. I mean societal expectations. I know it wasn’t fully without comparison. ‘Keeping up with the Jones’ was a phrase heard often from their era.  But I digress.  If I go back to my last entry and think of all of those ideas I have, are they all to impress others and fulfill extrinsic expectations? Are they from the heart? What if I just released some of them for now? Appreciating them for what they are and the thoughts, wisdom and knowledge they have either given me or steered me towards. Seeing the value in them and how they made the world just a little better and/or my life just a little better. This speaks to impact and the fact that you just never know what impact you have had. You know you have done some beautiful and amazing things.  Though perhaps a list of those is just fulfilling the ego.  The heart does not need a measuring stick. It knows.  Perhaps I simply need to connect and sit with my heart to know exactly where I need to be and what ideas are intrinsic and to be acted on in that moment in time.  I’m getting tired. I think that is enough for today. Thank you for listening universe.
 
Universe: Your most welcome. I’m always here. I’m glad you connected and that we can talk.
 
Me: Me too.
~*~

Entry - January 26 2024

Universe: Time for another session
 
Me: It’s 6:45am and we just had one.
 
Universe: You wanted a therapist that wasn’t human. Did you expect human hours? And was that arguing?
 
Me: Good points. Ok
 
Universe: Alright then. Start with a question on something you feel the need to ‘change’.
 
Me:  How do I become more disciplined?
        
Universe: Great question. Now answer it.
 
Me: What? I thought you would answer them.
 
Universe:  Any good therapist knows their client has the answers within them already, don’t they? Maybe not. But you do. You also write about it so time to really dig deep. You are nature and connected to nature intelligence. Time to really tap into that. Practice what you write about. What is within you already.
 
Me: Alright then. Question 1. How do I become more disciplined?  As I asked myself this, I picked up my phone = distraction. I guess a good start is being aware of what I am distracting myself with. Then putting those aside. Perhaps using a timer to stay focused. Sticky notes to write down other ideas that come into my mind so I can stay on task. Although sticky notes aren’t a new concept. A bit of planning as well. What are the two top things I want to be disciplined at right now? Book writing and physical awareness and attention. Although this writing is definitely a form of meditation which ties into the physical (stillness and focus).
 
Universe: Good start. What can you do to make moments to do all that?
 
Me: An evening schedule change to begin. Self care instead of distractions. Anything regarding self care would help me sleep better as well. A win in all ways.  Also, making a plan for the next day. A schedule to practice the discipline.
 
Universe: Ok, seems you have a plan there.
 
Me: Yes, thank you. I like you as a therapist. You don’t tell me what to do. You ask good questions.  You are also a great listener.
 
Universe: You are most welcome. This is good. We will get into deeper stuff as we go along. Let’s get you on track first.
 
Me: Well, I am up writing before 8am so that is a great start.
 
Universe: Work on that today and we can tackle another question later. 

Entry - January 26 2024 (same day)

Me: I already feel a bit more energized just from being organized. I say organized in a disciplined kinda way not a frantic way. In a productive not distracted way. It is how I approach it. My frame of mind. I have often thought about organizing my day to be more disciplined but was afraid of loosing my creativity. I never tried it though. Try before deny. 
 
Universe: Things work fast when you work with Nature Intelligence. Now, go and live your day.
~*~

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Entry - January 27 2024

Me: Good morning, Universe. Do you have some time for a session? Had a good day yesterday and want to keep the energy going.
 
Universe: Of course, I am always here.
 
Me: True, good point. Alright. A few small changes have brought some new energy.
 
Universe: Good to hear. In what way? What changes?
 
Me: A bit of healthy scheduling, less distractions, more focus. Little changes made a big difference.
 
Universe: Yes, you got it right for you.
 
Me: I would like to keep digging and not just feel that all is perfect with those few changes.
 
Universe: I am glad you want to keep going. You will find much for you and much to share. Yet, don’t forget…all is perfect in the present moment.
 
Me: Hmmm…yes, in this moment all is as it should be.  Can we come back to that at some point?
 
Universe: Of course, the time is always right.
 
Me: Speaking of sharing. My mind goes to sharing our dialogue in some way. What are your thoughts on that?
 
Universe: It is up to you. Sharing stories is important. We learn from one another’s lived experiences. My question would be, why are you doing this? For ego? For heart? Something to consider.
 
Me: Yes, so true. I will put that in a box for now and let it sit. At the moment our conversation is between you and I.  In this moment it is how I can make changes to focus my life. The path forward will show itself when the steps are formed.
 
Universe: Yes!!!
 
Me: I am listening to a talk about storytelling. Asking, how do we hold the deluge of information that is our modern society? How do we hold grief? Interesting, I feel that overwhelm at times and that deluge as distractions.  I see our conversation as a journey towards finding a calm and peaceful path that is connected to all on a different level.
 
Universe: It is all connected. Individual concerns are larger concerns. You taking action to take the calm and peaceful path is tipping the scales. Share when the time feels right. You keep thinking comparing yourself to people on a different path. Is there value in sharing your journey/our conversation? Yes.
 
Me: There is a difference in sharing a story and claiming to be an expert.
 
Universe: True. That all sounds like you discerning what is right for you. You seem to like to share stories and support others in sharing theirs. That sounds like your path. The push you feel away from something else is simply you discerning what is not for you. Wish them well, thank them for the reflection and continue walking your way.
 
Me: I like that, it feels true for me. Thank you.  I must pay attention to resonance in each moment.
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Universe: Resonance is what directs the threads of our journeys to their next intersection. We don’t want to be or can’t always be heading the same way as everyone else. When we feel and honour the draw (or lack thereof) and are honest with that resonance we find our true connections. Even if we don’t resonate we should offer gratitude for guiding us around or through that intersection.
 
Me: I like that. It resonates. 😊   
Can we take a break for now? I want to sit with all of this knowledge and wisdom. Thank you!
 
Universe: You are most welcome. Anytime. See you soon.
~*~ 

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Entry - January 27 2024 (10pm)

Me: Hi. I sit here considering my day and first thing that comes to mind is accomplishments. What I did and what I got done. When I hear myself, I feel I am missing something. I was offered some profound wisdom today and had some great conversations.
 
Universe: Hi. It is nice you had a good day. Anything you didn’t enjoy?
 
Me: Well, that is an unexpected question. I guess the time I spent watching a pointless show when I could have been doing something productive like exercise, writing, etc. etc.
 
Universe: Ok, so don’t do it again tomorrow. Change it. What did you learn today?
 
Me: Interesting you ask that. Did I learn anything new? I met new people. I took five pages of notes during conversations. Books, quotes and such to look up.  I do like going down the rabbit hole of research.  Some wisdom on ways to think about life. But new, brand new? When I think about it. No. It was more a remembering or realizing. Nothing was like, oh, I never knew that. Hmmm, that is something to ponder for sure. That’s exactly what the talk was about that I was listening to this morning.  Remembering.
 
Universe: Well, there you go. Aren’t you writing about this in your book? Everything you need to know you have within you? Imprinted on your cells?
 
Me: Why yes, I am?
 
Universe: Then maybe all of this is showing you that what you are saying is absolutely so.
 
Me: Good point. Thanks. I like this form of therapy. Very useful. I was actually talking to someone today of the epiphanies I have already had just in this short time.
 
Universe: Nice. There you are sharing it.
 
Me: I guess I am. Shall we call it a day? Thank you for everything.
 
Universe: Absolutely, sleep well.
~*~

Entry - January 28 2024

Me: Good morning, Universe. Lots on my mind today.
 
Universe: Good morning. Ready to jump right in I see.
 
Me: Yes indeed. But taking a moment to connect and say hello is more important.
 
Universe: Absolutely, you often call it a heart connection.
 
Me: What would you call it?
 
Universe: Ok, since we are using human words, because it really is simply a feeling.  It is the strands that connect us. And we must be aware of those and tend to them. When we don’t consider ‘the other’ then we are pulling those strands away. Applying stress or tension unnecessarily. There is a difference between taught and solid that strengthens as opposed to stress that could cause breakage. Bring your attention to all that is around you and those you wish to connect with before a word comes out of your mouth. You say this in your book. We are talking long before our mouths open.
 
Me: I understand. Seems at the times when there is too much stress on those strands, we aren’t very present.
 
Universe: Exactly. Alright, let’s move on. What thoughts do you want to add to your list?
 
Me: Shared ideas. Taking is perhaps the wrong word. I like to have my own ideas but realize we live a shared life. All of our ideas together make for change. It isn’t necessarily about ownership of said idea.
       My vision – how do I do it? It isn’t my vision. I guess that is the first thing to remember.
 
Universe: Ok, pick one at a time and we will talk through it. Just keep writing. The way forward or into the present moment will come to you.
 
Me: Thank you. I think I will take a break and breath for the moment. Be back in a bit.
~*~

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Entry - January 30 2024

Me: Good Morning Universe
 
Universe: Hello. How are you this morning?
 
Me: Ok. But don’t you already know that?
 
Universe: For sure but I don’t think we are beyond words just yet so let’s start our conversations politely and in the way most humans are used to. Good practice.
 
Me: Very true. I do tend to jump right in. I am writing a chapter on rhythm and slow and gentle and how that is always better than rushed and pressured.  I had a rough night sleep-wise.
 
Universe: Why didn’t you write?
 
Me: Wasn’t a pen close by and frankly I was a bit unfocused.
 
Universe: Best time to write really. Get the thoughts, that are bouncing around like ping pong balls, out.
 
Me: Good point. Will remember that next time.
 
Universe: What do you want to talk about today?
 
Me: Nothing and everything. Feeling a bit low today yet feeling like a lot is flowing out of me creatively. I guess that is rhythm and I am resisting it. Some days it is quieter and some days it wants to really move. I talk about Ebb and Flow in my book, so guess perhaps I am ebbing. Or perhaps on the cusp between ebb and flow where I am feeling both. I need to be available to articulate that which has been assimilating when the time is right.  I am happy that I am starting to use the words that I write about.  I don’t feel that I can just write about it. I have to live it and speak it.
Universe: Absolutely. You are doing well with that. It’s your wisdom. Live it.
 
Me: Interesting, I go back to what we spoke about at the very start.  When I feel down (or ebbing) I feel the need to clean and organize. Perhaps open some space. Yet I can do that internally like I am doing now. Sit and make space.
 
Universe: Yup, both seem to hold value for you. Why are you judging either as good or bad? Hey, didn’t you write about that?
 
Me: I did. So, all of these states and feelings simply are.  Why add a value to them as good or bad? That certainly takes the weight off and reduces the stress of the ‘should’. I ‘should’ be doing something. I am simply doing or not doing.
 
Universe: That sounds like a very gentle point of view.
 
Me: It does, doesn’t it. Thank you.
~*~