Twelve Feet Away

All of her life, twelve feet always seemed like a comfortable distance for her.
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As a baby and toddler her mother said she was not a cuddler.  A content child but not one to be held a lot.

In school she had a few close friends but more often than not she could be found writing and sketching out in nature on her own. It’s not that she wasn’t sociable, she was and she was a happy child. She simply like to have her own space and in general that space was a minimum of twelve feet away from other people. For context, that is about 3/10’s as long as a Brachiosaurus was tall or 9.5 times as long as a bowling pin is high.

Into her teenage years she was faced, more and more, with spaces where that twelve-foot zone was challenged. In a car, on a bus, in a stadium and especially on an airplane. She had to be creative with ways to cope in those situations where she had no choice. And was always relieved when that twelve foot space was once again free of other beings.

Around the time she turned 16 her family moved to the country. They weren’t too far from the city and on pleasant days she could bike to and from school. She found these rides so pleasant and relaxing. In her moments with nature, life was good.  On her rides she passed a quiet, beautifully kept, country property. The place was obviously well loved and the owners were proud to keep it so well coiffed.  Stunning gardens, a lovely tree lined drive and a few healthy well-groomed horses enjoying the freedom to roam large paddocks that looked to extend up into the hills behind the barn.  The fence line was in perfect repair and she could see that the horses had plenty of space to wander yet were kept safe by the strong boundary surrounding their home.  Some days on her way back from school she would hop off her bike and plant herself under one of the giant oak trees that sat between the fence and the road. She felt safe there yet also respectful of the animals. They could see each other but not invade the space that each needed. The trees must have been over 100 years old and felt like sentinels watching over her.  Most times she would just sit and watch the horses graze or sleep in the warm sun. Now and then they would kick up their heels in joy and sometimes they weren’t even in the field where she could see them. If she looked way up in the hills behind the barn, she could see tiny moving specks that she figured were the horses happily grazing away from anyone.  Those moments, watching the horses, way up in the hills in particular, had a mysterious effect on her. She couldn’t describe the feeling. It was new to her but it was familiar in a way.

One day she found herself drifting off leaning against a tree while watching the horses in the front paddock. She had been sketching the horses in her journal. She was gently awakened when she heard a hello from behind her. It was the owner of the property who had stopped her truck alongside the road.  Rolling the window down an older woman with beautiful long grey hair and a kind face leaned out and said hi. She introduced herself and mentioned she had seen her happily watching the horses on a few occasions.  The girl returned the hello and started to gather her things. The woman said she was welcome to sit out there anytime she wanted. She wasn’t bothering anyone and it was wonderful that someone was enjoying the horses. Then came an offer that had her more than excited. The older woman asked if she and her mother would like to come over on the weekend and meet the horses up close? Really? That would be incredible. She was told to leave an answer in the mailbox as to when they would be over. The whole weekend was available as they were doing their mid summer cleaning around the yard this weekend. The girl looked around at the immaculate property and for a moment wondered what needed to be cleaned.  The owner sensed her query and said: “It doesn’t look this good all by itself.”  Good point, she thought!  “I would love to come and visit. I will ask my mother and leave you a note in your mailbox this week. Thank you so much for your kindness.” And with that they said their goodbyes and the owner drove off.    It was time to get home.  She could hardly wait to tell her mother of what had transpired and relay the invitation to her.  She had butterflies already knowing she was going to be able to meet the horses that she had never been up close to before yet felt so connected to. 

Of course, her mother said yes and was equally excited. She had been quite the horse person in her younger years but had given it up when family came along.  Time had not given her the opportunity to introduce her daughter to the one thing that gave her comfort and solace growing up.  What a wonderful opportunity and a kind gesture. Together they decided that 1pm on Saturday would work best for them. A note was left in the mailbox and a phone number included if that time was not convenient.  No word back all week had her up at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning. She was bubbling with excitement to finally meet the animals that she had been sketching and visiting from afar for some weeks now.

She and her mother drove in promptly at 1pm to the most beautiful farm her mother had ever seen. Her daughter had not stopped taking about all of the things she had seen there over the past while. Be it the horses up on the hill, to the charming flower boxes on the barn windows or the spectacular gardens that she could only see from afar. She could only imagine what it looked and felt like when you were standing amongst it all. Her mother had not seen her this excited in some time to actually be going to see people although she knew it wasn’t necessarily the people she was coming to see. The nature and the horses would be closer to the truth.
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They were met outside by the owner that had offered the visit.  A huge smile and an offer of her name and a hand to shake was made to her mother. The owner noticed that her new young friend had positioned herself slightly behind her mother. She sensed that a handshake was not in order for her and offered a respectful hello and welcome to the farm.  Her young guest’s eyes kept focusing on the paddock and she could see how anxious she was to meet her new four-legged friends.  Before that an offering was brought out. The girl had done a sketch for the owner of the two horses in the field quietly sleeping under the maple tree. The owner was quite taken back. It truly was beautiful. She had captured the essence of the animals. It was like she knew their personalities without having ever met them up close. Kind appreciation was exchanged for the gift and she decided to put it safely in the house before taking her anxious guests out to the field.

Once she returned, they were off. They went through the gate into the fields she had only seen from the roadside.  When they stopped just inside the field the woman noticed the girl seemed puzzled and a tinge disappointed. Where were the horses? Ah, perhaps up in the hills.  She had thought the horses might have sensed she was going to be there and would be standing waiting for her. The owner saw and felt her concern and quickly stated that they had been up in the hills for a few days. She explained that the horses were free to roam as they wished. They had all they needed down here in the paddocks and up in the hills.  They were safe in fully fenced areas, had plenty of water wherever they went and well, more than enough grass to feed a herd of horses. Perhaps if they all closed their eyes and thought about the horses coming to meet them, they might just pick up on that and make their way down.  So, they did. A few deep breaths and the three of them stood quietly imagining the horses making there way to the main paddock where they were standing. An invitation of sorts.  After a few minutes of quiet contemplation, she heard and felt a slow beating. She thought it was her heart in excitement. But it got louder and faster. A gentle nudge from her mother had her opening her eyes to see her two beautiful friends flying down the hill. ​Any faster and they might just sprout wings and take to the skies. They had good brakes and came to a slow stop about a hundred yards away.

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The girl and her mother are taken by the beauty but also soft energy of the horses. They seem to have this almost indescribable look in their eyes. The daughter wondered what it was but the mother had seen it before. She had recognized it in the wild herds she had visited back in the day. Herds untouched or only gently touched by humans. It was a look of trust, of freedom from fear. It was a look not often seen in domestic herds. She wanted to know more about this herd that seemed so free yet contained and contentedly connected to their human.

The horses made their way over to the woman that owned the farm. She offered no treats, just a tender hand held out for them to choose if they wished a nuzzle or connection in some way. Both mother and daughter noticed that the woman did not reach out to the horses. She simply presented her hand to the two horses. They, of course, nestled into her presence as though she was one of the herd. It was beautiful to watch and they both felt tears well up in their eyes.

After some time, the horses turned to look at mom and daughter who were standing beside each other a short distance away. They had been both been mesmerized by the interaction with the woman and the horses. Perhaps it was at exactly the same time that they both thought they would be interested in connecting with the horses themselves. Interestingly at exactly that moment both horses turned in their direction. They moved a few steps towards them then stopped. Watching intently but not coming closer.

The woman suggested they stand quietly like when they silently called the horses over at the beginning.  She led them through some deep breathing with their eyes closed. Although both mom and daughter snuck a peek now and then. The horses still looking straight at them but not coming closer. The woman asked them to feel their feet on the ground and concentrate on love in their hearts. She suggested they put their hand over their hearts and think of the love that they had as mother and daughter. This went on for some time it seemed although it really was only a few minutes, five at the most.

When the girl opened her eyes, she saw that the horses hadn’t moved forward but they had lowered their heads like they were almost asleep but were looking directly at her. It was like they had been doing the breath work as well. That didn’t make sense to her, they were horses. How could they understand their human’s words?
The mother was thinking the same thing and asked why, it seemed, they had been breathing with us. The woman explained about them being able to read our energy. “The vibrations we put forward into their environment, they read those and make decisions based on those. So, when we all went into a state of calm and concentrated on that feeling of being grounded and love then they felt safe and wanted to join us. We are all a little herd out here. What we do affects them and visa versa.”

The girl was about to ask the owner why they wouldn’t come over to her but her mother interrupted with a quiet loving chuckle. A sortof aha moment of recognition chuckle. I get it kinda thing.

She looked at the woman to gently say, I got this. Then turned back to her daughter and asked her what distance they were from her. The daughter looked and then had the same moment of realization.  The were approximately twelve feet away. They had stopped exactly where her comfortable personal space started. She knew how to measure that distance with her eye and her body quite naturally. It was her space, her comfort. But she didn’t understand, here she wanted the horses to come closer.  How did they know?

This was a question for the woman that knew these horses so well. Both mother and daughter opened their mouths at the same time but just before the words came out both horses took a step closer.

It was the woman’s turn to softly chuckle. She knew what was going on as she had seen it time and time again with others that came to experience the magic of connection with horses. She softly explained it as an invitation. She also knew that the horses had come down to see the girl and it was her that had made said invitation. In her words an invitation is an opening of the heart towards something. A welcoming with an energetic statement of: I would love to meet you if that is your choice. The words didn’t need to be said. But there could be no strings attached, no treats to be had and no reaching out to touch. You make the invitation and then offer the space for it to happen if the other chooses to accept it. And you don’t attach yourself to the choice they make.

The girl understood. She asked about the touch part though. The woman explained that these horses were used to initiating touch if they wished or needed it, for a scratch or a gentle, soothing contact but they did not pat or touch the horses first. Unless, of course, there was an immediate need such as something for their health or safety. The horses would let her know if they wished touch. Although this was a little hard for the girl to grasp, she did understand in the heart.  She turned her attention back to the horses who were still intently watching her and hadn’t moved a muscle. She wanted to continue to offer the invitation to connect with the horses. She wanted to feel what it was like to invite them into her space.

The woman offered a nod to the mother in suggestion that she come and stand with her to let the girl have this experience. The mother slowly stepped back and made her way to the woman’s side. They both would watch the magic unfold while supporting the girl in her courageous invitation.

The woman asked that the girl go back to the breathing they did before. Focusing on grounding and the love in her heart. She also suggested she offer an invitation from her heart, not with words, just with thought and feeling. The girl closed her eyes to focus on it all. Not moving a muscle she didn’t think about the horses, she thought about her breath, her feet on the ground and her invitation from the heart. She felt she had her eyes closed for some time. When she did open them, she was quite amazed. The horses had moved much closer. One horse had taken a few steps closer and the other was about three feet away from her. She didn’t know what to do. Her arms wanted to reach out and wrap around the horse’s neck but she quickly remembered that was one of the guidelines with these horses. She put her hands behind her back to make sure they stayed put. Tears welled up in her eyes as the horse extended its nose closer to her. It was strange not to reach out and touch but she had remembered what the woman had said. They feel and read your energy. They are feeling her invitation. No words needed to be said and no touch needed to be extended.

The woman very quietly asked her how she was feeling.  She answered that she was feeling wonderful but a bit strange. Not a lot of humans and never a horse have gotten this close to her. Although she knew she liked to be on her own, she had often thought that something was wrong with her that she didn’t like the company of others. But this felt so comforting to have the horses standing there. Neither had to do anything or be anything and both could leave at anytime. And the other horse was making its own choice to not come as close. She saw her own choices within these two horses. She saw her story amidst theirs.

The mother was quietly weeping seeing her daughter come to such revelations amidst these two horses. And it seemed they weren’t doing anything at all, yet so much was happening at the moment.   

The woman told the girl to take as much time as she wanted with the small herd. The girl smiled and realized the only thing she wanted to do is just stay there, in that moment. So, she did. She stood there and offered both horses love from her heart. The invitation was no longer needed because she saw and honoured any choice they made. Even if that choice was to walk away and head back to eating grass. She understood more now about her choices and letting someone close or not, the choice was always hers and nothing was wrong with either decision. If she wanted to invite someone into her comfort space then she had some tools to handle it with her breathing, grounding and offering love. Like the horses she could step away at anytime as well.

She glanced over at her mother, who had somewhat composed herself by then, and smiled. She was grateful for how her family had always supported who she was and how she felt. Even with that love and support there was a piece of her that had felt alone.  With the horses she didn’t feel alone, she felt comfort. They had entered her space with so much respect and gentleness. They had shifted something inside of her.  There might be some tough situations where she didn’t feel comfortable but she knew she had choice.  She could start to invite humans in just like she had with the horses and see what that felt like. With that understanding she closed her eyes one more time to simply feel the moment. She took a deep breath, imagined her feet on the ground and so much love radiating from her heart. Then she felt something touch her heart. She startled a bit but didn’t move. She opened one eye very slowly and there it was. The horse that had been standing the furthest away had ever so softly come over and placed it’s nuzzle right on her heart.  There were no words for what she felt in that moment and that was good because she couldn’t speak. Nothing would have been able to get past that lump in her throat. But maybe the tears that were pouring out of her eyes had words in them. Words of love and appreciation streaming down her cheeks, a few landing on the horse’s nose to be sure they understand the magnitude of her gratitude of their presence. She was able to whisper an ever so faint, thank you. From twelve feet to zero, she knew in that moment her life had changed.

And with that both horses looked directly at her, held her gaze for just a moment, and walked away. Back up the hill and back to their field of lush green grass.

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PC: Michelle Stewart